Let’s Improve Ourselves Before Demanding Others To Do It
I was reading a book that was quite famous at the time, by an Indonesian writer named Henry Manampiring entitled “Filosofi Teras”, or another word for Stoicism which was simplified by the author into Indonesian so that readers could understand it better. This article isn’t about my opinion on the whole book — because I haven’t finished reading it yet, hehe. I want to talk about the thoughts that came to mind when I read one of the passages in this book.
In one of the chapters in this book that deals with Life Among Sick People, Henry quotes Seneca’s explanation in his book On Tranquility of Mind. Here’s the sentence:
“We have to be extra careful in choosing people, and deciding if they are worthy of us sharing our life with them…
Nothing excites us more like a close and loyal friendship. What a blessing to have those who are ready and willing to receive all our secrets safely. Talking to them soothes our anxieties, their advice helps us make choices, their cheerfulness melts our sorrows, even their mere appearance makes us happy!
Choose the friend who is least morally flawed; just as we don’t want to mix with sick people so as not to get infected… in particular, avoid those who are always gloomy and lamenting, and always find reasons to complain… in fact a friend who is always upset and grumbling about everything is an enemy to our peace of mind.”
If I’m not misinterpreting, Seneca reminded me how important it is for us to always be careful in making friends, because there will be time we give them after the relationship is established. Of course, it would be a very happy thing if we found friends who can make our days better, because of the continuous conversation, those who can accept and help all our shortcomings. But for some reason, the next sentence that Seneca mentioned just seemed to be turning towards me.
Avoid those who are always gloomy and wailing, always finding reasons to complain…
We are busy looking for the most perfect friends, able to fill the void and even demand them to make us happy, but what if we actually fall into the category of ‘morally flawed’ as Seneca says? What if in the eyes of others, we are one of the categories of people who need to be avoided as friends?
I kept repeating that sentence in my mind.
Gloomy, wailing, always annoyed and grumbling…
Don’t I always do it? Do my friends feel it? Has it ever occurred to them once in their minds to cut off their friendship with me because of my shortcomings?
But if that’s the condition for friendship, it’s better for us to improve ourselves first before demanding others to be perfect for us, right?
So in my opinion, before you can require what kind of people can be friends with you, first look at how you are in the mirror. If you don’t want lazy friends, make sure you’re not lazy either. If you don’t want a friend who likes to complain and lament fate, make sure you do the same.
There is one note from Marcus Aurelius (Meditations) on how to deal with other people,
“Remember that we ourselves make a lot of mistakes. We are no different from them. Even if we manage to avoid making mistakes, we still have the potential to make mistakes in the future.”
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