You never know you can get through it until it’s really past
So, I found a (draft) article I wrote a few months ago. I think I’m writing this while waiting for the bus to go home to my parents on Friday, after five days of living at the office’s house. Whether I wrote it just to express my fear or what, I’ll just share it here.
Rereading something I’ve written always brings its own sensation. A sense of excitement to go back to walking the way I wanted, and a sense of relief.
It’s a relief to find that I’m at this point, reading this article again, without feeling the same fear as back then.
There are new feelings when living life as an adult. A feeling I didn’t like.
One of them is loneliness.
I grew up in a busy family, always had a group of friends at various levels of education, and never even went anywhere alone before.
But adult makes the crowd feel temporary, even like a rental product.
Since the beginning of last May, I decided to stay in a place closer to my office, they provide this place. While preparing the items and necessities for there, I was very excited. Since I had never done this before, I had never known what it was like to live away from my family for who knows how long.
Although the distance from home to this place is not far and I can go home anytime.
That strange feeling arose when I first arrived there, of course, accompanied by my family. Seeing my father put up a hanger stand, my mother cleaning the floor, and my younger siblings helping to lift things, the feeling of loneliness suddenly came.
And growing until they finally came home. That first night, I cried. I really wanted to go home and sleep with my family, as usual.
Day after day, a week passed. I came home on the weekend and met the crowd again. A week away from them made me appreciate every moment around them more.
I’d rather sit in front of my mom when she’s baking a cake than snuggle up in my room — unless I’m really tired. I love to hug and be hugged by my siblings, which I really don’t like.
I also met my friends that week. We spent time together from day to night. I was very happy to meet them, the crowded atmosphere was getting more present and enveloping. Makes me forget that this is all temporary and in a matter of days, I’ll be back alone.
The feeling of loneliness at this age is very different from what I’ve been through before. I can’t tell anyone, don’t even understand how it really feels. I just know that my heart keeps feeling sad no matter what activities I’m doing, keeps thinking about fun things with family and friends, and ends up holding back tears in the midst of busy office life.
I am grateful because, in the office house, I share a room with a girl who likes to tell stories. She always had movies to cover, which made me listen and respond a lot. It was like the bedtime chat I always had with my sister.
I’m also grateful that this kind of feeling is present in me, letting me know what it’s like to live my own life. Funding a living from a salary that is getting dwindling day by day. Have to keep thinking about what and where to eat because there will be no food that suddenly becomes available here unless I make it.
But whatever the circumstances, this is what has to be faced. This is my life now, the path I chose. I won’t blame anyone because I made this path.
Hopefully, instead of continuing to feel lonely, I can also find maturity in this phase.
